DV Survivors and Self-Doubt: Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Women who are domestic violence survivors can also feel this pressure to “keep it together.” In turn, they may doubt themselves when they want to leave their partner, even if that person is abusive, or when they request an order of protection, file charges, or go to a shelter. But if you’re a survivor, you have the right to take steps to keep yourself and any children you have safe and healthy.

Friends, family, and cultural beliefs can also play a part in a survivor’s self-doubt. For example, you may hear people say you should stay with your partner until your children turn 18 or that your partner’s abuse is just part of what comes with being a woman, a form of victim shaming. Comments like these can make you question whether you were in the right to leave your partner.

Abuse, and nonphysical abuse, in particular, can tear down your self-esteem and self-efficacy. “There’s a corrosion,” says Chantelle Doswell, MSW, founder of Ordinary Healing in New York City says. And when you don’t trust yourself, you create an opening for someone else to tell you who you are and how you should be. For example, an abusive partner may tell you what to wear or who to be friends with. Going along with these requests may make you feel considerate and caring, not abused. You may not even recognize that you are in an abusive situation.

Your partner may also lead you to take on responsibility for their reactions to you. “When they have a feeling, it’s almost second nature to you to take on the weight of how to fix it,” Doswell says.

When you’re with an abusive partner, you may still love them, so it can be challenging to decide to finally leave for good. “There’s a perception that the abuser is the ‘bad guy’ and the survivor is the ‘good guy,’ but most people in relationships don’t see it that way. They think, ‘I love this person, and it’s not healthy, it’s abusive. It’s not one or the other, it’s both,” Doswell says. “A lot of people want to talk to their partner and fix it. They don’t actually want to leave.”

Unfortunately, once abuse starts, it almost always escalates, and sometimes to a very dangerous level. That’s why creating a safety plan immediately is of the utmost importance.